And on to the next chapter

Paul pointed out to me that it was probably worth mentioning, my baby girl is a kindergartener. I find it hard to believe that the little baby that taught me what it meant to be a mom and to love unconditionally, is sitting in some classroom doing who-knows-what. 
In a lot of ways I feel disconnected. I don’t know what they’re doing. I don’t know what’s happening in her day. Who is she sitting next to? Is she making friends at lunch? Is she speaking up or is she sitting quietly? Courtney’s a talker but not a talker. The girl can talk all day about everything but when I ask her about her day, she’s all quiet. I ask questions and I get some answers but even then, I often get “I don’t remember” or “I don’t know.” It’s exasperating and provides me with no peace.
We did have an end of the week meltdown. It was a heartbreaker and I was completely ready to start homeschooling. I know that isn’t the answer, pull her out because of my uncertainty. (And let’s be honest, I’m no homeschooler.) But I knew that what she needed was for me to sit and listen and stroke her hair and wipe her nose and tell her that I love her and she’s going to get through this. This is a small mountain in our journey (except for the 6:30am wakeup, that’s Everest) and we’re going to learn to love, or like, the next step.
It’s crazy to me to think that 5 years + 3months later and here we are, on the bus, emerging on this grand adventure. I remember that November morning of her birth like it was yesterday. And there are days when I want to stop time, hold on to these moments and never let them go. But I know that’s not possible and so I will enjoy them and try my best to remember and hold on to my little girl as long as she’ll let me.

I am not perfect

My kids are not perfect. I know, this is earth shattering. They are small people with lots of thoughts and ideas. They have big imaginations and hundreds of ideas on how things should be done. They are growing and changing and learning and are full of questions. This is all how it should be. That’s what small people are all about.
Sometimes I forget.
I’m not perfect either. Far from it. I’m a big person with zillions of thoughts and ideas running through my head. I have a wild imagination and ideas on how I think things should be done. I’m growing and learning and am so full of questions. And this is also how it should be. This is what being a parent and an adult are all about.
And sometimes I forget that too.
We had an incident earlier today in which I found myself using a Very Scary Voice and screaming at my child while the other one cried. And as I heard the scary words come out of my mouth, I was more than just a little horrified. Everyone was ok. Maybe a little scared but otherwise ok. 
I had just told said kid not to do what they were about to do. And shockingly, they didn’t listen. And I lost it. None of this is the proper response to a child’s behavior. After I calmed down and the crying child calmed down, I sat down with my kid. I looked my baby in the eye and talked. I spoke calmly and rationally and mostly told the kid how awesome he/she is. How I love and cherish  them and how wonderful I think they are. And the tears streamed down their little face. 
It’s been too long. Apparently it’s been way too long since we talked about love and pride and the things that make Paul and I happy. I’m not perfect. And my kids are just kids. And maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I need to let the kids be kids and learn from their mistakes. As I hope to learn from mine.

Who doesn’t love a vacation?


Me? OK, that’s not quite true. I love vacation. I love the change of scenery and the beach or the mountains or the ability to read books and relax. I love spending time with my family and trying new restaurants and doing different things. But man, do I love to get home.We went to the beach […]

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Bits and Pieces

So what have I been doing that I can’t find the time to write for over a year? A lot and nothing. Or so it seems.Well, there’s the every day stuff. The parenting and the cleaning and the cooking and the laundry. And then there’s the exercise. My bestie and I were walking 4 days […]

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On saying goodbye


One of the things that brought me back to this long-neglected blog is my grandmother. I’ve written about her many times before. About what an inspiration she’s been, a role model and a wonderful grandmother. We named Courtney after her, which has always been hugely important to me. Baba, as we called her, was a […]

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Then this happened


In the blink of an eye, or so it seems, my baby girl is done with pre-k. Just. Like. That.Let us first mention how asinine it is that we’re done with school on May 20th. Asinine I say. I can’t believe we can’t even go until the Friday of Memorial Day weekend. Unacceptable.Anyway, it seems […]

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