Karen Chatters » Questions

As life goes on

Karen — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 12:00:45 +0000

It came to my attention today, after deep thought and more laundry, that I think I’m a bit depressed. It’s to be expected after all we’ve been through this year but sometimes, when you realize that things aren’t going exactly as you expect, it can still be surprising. I had really high hopes for us this spring. I was hoping to go south to Savannah-ish a couple of times and those trips have fallen through. There’s still a chance that we’ll make it for Easter but we’ll just have to wait and see. Patrick’s surgery has been building and building and building and with it the stress and the anxiety and the feeling of helplessness.

I know that life doesn’t always work the way you think it will and the best laid plans sometimes go awry. I had plans though for some fun things. I had plans to spend time with my family and for my parents to get to spend time with the kids. I had plans that included running around on the beach and slathering my kids in sunblock. Hell, I keep trying to make plans for a mani & a pedi and maybe even a massage and I can’t even seem to get that done. At one point it took me 4 weeks just to get my eyebrows waxed.

I know, cry me a river and play your tiny little violin. This is life. Things will get better and back on track, plans will get made and we will be able to follow through on them. I can stop focusing on Baby Patrick’s surgery and all of the potentially horrible things that could (but didn’t) come from it.

In the meantime, I’m going to try and take things one day at a time. I’m just going to love on this face.

Getting old sucks

Karen — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 12:00:55 +0000

I know, how’s that for a brilliant post title. State the obvious much? And I don’t just mean me, although I noticed the other day that my face is sagging big time and while I’ve never thought of plastic surgery (other than a boob lift – hello monstrously huge feed bags that hang to my knees), the thought of a face lift certainly flitted through my tiny brain. What the hell happened there anyway? Oh yeah, lack of sleep, not enough water, poor skin care for years and on and on and saggy face. BOOM! Just like that, awesome. My poor kids, they’ll be the kids who won’t acknowledge me later in life when their friends are all, “What happened to your mom?” and they’re all, “That’s not my mom, I’ve never seen her before in my life.” I just didn’t expect that to happen when they were only 4 and 2 but that’s what’s going to happen, mark my words. That’s alright, I’ll show them when my boobs are tied in a knot, when they’re tied in a bow…

But that’s not really what this is all about. I received some truly shit news about my grandmother Monday. Really, I learned it Sunday but it didn’t turn to shit until Monday. She fell, which when you’re almost 93, isn’t a good thing. She’s broken a few bones, all of them bones that can’t be put in a cast or healed easily. But the bones are almost minor compared to the impact the fall is going to have on her tiny little body. And mark my words, my grandmother is tiny. She’s never been a big woman but every time I see her, she’s shorter than the time before and that’s been the case for YEARS.

I’ve written about her before, what an inspiration she is and what a role model she’s been for me. My beautiful baby girl is named for her, that was so important to me, to have that strong name held by my strong girl. I hate to think that she’s in pain or uncomfortable. I’ve never wanted to think about the end of her life but when I do, I imagine her slipping away quietly in her sleep, to be reunited with her sister and her mom whom she loved dearly and has missed hugely for many, many years. I don’t want to get that call, the one that says it’s time to go home and say our goodbyes. But that’s all part of growing up, isn’t it?

I just read this post Sunday night by Rebecca. She talks a lot about talking to our kids about death and being truly honest with what’s happening. We aren’t there yet, Courtney’s only 2 and she wouldn’t understand what’s happening anyway. (I mean, when I ask her about her day and if she went to the moon, the answer is always yes.) But the words that really struck me were this: “We talk about how much we’ll miss each other when we are no longer able to hold each other with our bodies but that we’ll forever hold onto each other with our minds, our stories and words, our hearts.” Someday, I’ll miss holding Baba in my arms but I will have the memories in my mind and my heart and I can share those things with my stories and my words.

We don’t know what’s going to happen. Who does? I can just hope for the best, whatever that may be.

We’re talking about an edumacation

Karen — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 13:00:05 +0000

Last year at this time I was in a tizzy about what to do for Courtney and her first year of higher education preschool. You would have thought that I was trying to get the kid into Harvard or MIT and couldn’t decide where she should go. At almost 2 years old. Well, here I am again, going through the same rigmarole.

I picked Courtney’s school based on it’s location to our house and where I felt comfortable sending her. I LOVE her school. Her teacher is phenomenal, the people are super nice, it’s clean, I feel that she’s being taken good care of and I never worry about her during the day. But, we moved and now her school is a pain in the butt to get to. It’s not that it’s crazy far but she’s only there 3 hours a day so spending more than an hour a day driving around town to get her and drop her off and it isn’t a great use of my “free” time. Sooo, I’m back to looking for a place to send her. Nine months from now. Gah, why am I having to stress about this now???

I had everything all lined up last week to look at schools and then there was the snow and I didn’t get out of the house to see anything. And the schools were closed anyway so even if I could have gotten there, I would have been peeking in the windows. It wouldn’t be a big deal if one of the schools didn’t have registration on Tuesday. And Monday is a holiday. And I haven’t seen a single school yet.

I only plan on looking at 4 schools, well, 3 now (I may as well not look at the one that registers on Tuesday as I’d have to get there at 5am to get in line and I haven’t even SEEN it). I have a first and second choice, still having seen nothing. A year ago I went from wanting to send Courtney to school only once a week to now wanting to send her 3 days a week, my how things have changed.

Why is there so much pressure associated with this? She’s 2. She’ll still be 2 when school starts? There’s a chance that I’ll end up registering Courtney 2 places as my current first choice doesn’t register until after my current second choice. I mean, it’s only $100 nonrefundable to register at each school, why not just register at each and every single one in town? So now, I’ll be running around like a crazy lady, towing 2 kids behind me, this week looking at schools so I can make sure NINE months from now, Courtney has something to do. Does this not seem ludicrous to any one? I can’t, and don’t, even plan meals, or my outfits, a week in advance. Of course, this is only the (second) first step in the first day of school in the rest of her life. No pressure.

How do we kick the pacifier habit?

Karen — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 13:00:24 +0000

Dooms day is looming at our house. And it’s going to be ugly.

Courtney’s been a pacifier kid from day 1. She can’t get enough of the things. At one point, not that long ago, at any one time she could have upwards of 5 pacifiers in her bed. And she has one with her pretty much everywhere she goes. In the car, at a friends, in the store – everywhere. But over the course of time, they’ve been dieing off, or disappearing, one by one and I’m no longer replacing them. I’m done with them and at 2+, I think it’s time she be done with them too. I’ve been taking them from her more and more during the day, trying not to make a big deal out of it but telling her that big girls don’t use pacifiers. And she’s usually fine with that, but then it’s nap time or bed time and, “Pacifier? Pacifier?”

I had started weaning them from her once before, I’m not really sure what happened but it didn’t work and then life got in the way and then Patrick came and we moved and it was just the wrong time. But here were are, with just a couple of the damn things in the house and the pacifiers days are numbered.

It’s going to be oh so ugly.

So what do I do? Do I just wait for the last one to die? Or do I make a big deal out of taking them away now, before the last one bites the dust (no pun intended, maybe)? Or do I introduce rum into her nightly milk and hope she just doesn’t notice? How do I wean her off the pacifier? I’ve heard of “returning” them to the store or having the pacifier come and take them away, does that work? How do we make this as easy as possible? I could really use some help here. Please?

The hardest job

Karen — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 13:00:10 +0000

A few weeks ago, I was reading a sad story about a mom who’s son had died. She’d opened up not that long before that about her 18 year old being a drug addict, a very hard admission for her. He died from a combination of a drug overdose and an assault. It’s a terrible and awful ending to what had been some very difficult years. I don’t know this mom, this woman, and I don’t know her story but in reading some of her history, I get the impression that she’s a loving, caring, involved mother. She wasn’t negligent, she wasn’t uninformed, she was doing the best she could with a tough situation.

Around the same time, and on a totally different level, my SIL was beating herself up over the fact that her 3+ month old had a cold. Her first one. My poor SIL is blaming herself for something that is certainly NOT her fault, but just a part of life.

A few months ago, Courtney had an ear infection. I took her to the doctor for something completely different to discover that my angel was in pain. And I had no idea. And I felt terrible.

So many moms I know blame themselves for difficulties and problems with nursing. Contrary to what so many of us believe, nursing your baby isn’t as simple as inserting one’s boob in the babies mouth and away you go. Nursing is hard. There’s so much that’s just NOT intuitive. Yet, moms blame themselves for their “failure” to get a baby to nurse. We often perceive giving our babies formula as a sign of failure where really, getting our babies some food and nourishment is the most important thing we can do. And that happens within the first couple of weeks, forget the next 18 years.

Being a parent is the hardest job. So much of being a parent is going with your gut, talking to friends, doing what you think is best for your child. There is no fine line between the right way and the wrong way in so many instances. Parenting is never ending. And while the nature of some things change over time, you’re constantly trying to help your kids to find their way, to make smart decisions, to do what’s best for them. It is so hard to know if the decisions you make today, next week, next year or in the next ten years will be the best decisions for the best outcome for your child.

There are a zillion books on raising kids. Raising them at any and all ages, raising them without screaming, raising them with religion, raising them without religion, raising kids with disabilities, raising kids to be active and on and on and on. But how do you even know which books to read and if they have good advice or if they’re total crap. And, my 1st kid could be 1000% different than my second and what I do for one may not work for the other. Forget what works for me and you and you over there and you in California.

I certainly couldn’t have gotten to this point in my parenting history (all whopping 19 months of it) without the advice and help of friends and family. I mean, I could have but I’m glad I haven’t had to do it alone. To me, one of the nicest things about having a network of friends and family to ask advice of is that you don’t actually have to take it all. Or you can take bits and pieces and do what works for you, your child and your family.

Being a mom is so rewarding but it’s so hard, and it’s only going to get harder. I like to think that people go into parenting with the best of intentions, hoping to raise the best little humans we can. And as a fellow parent, if people ask for my advice, I’m happy to give it (I’m happy to give it if you don’t ask, so watch out). It’s not my job to judge you or criticize you. Like you and you and you, I’m doing the best I can and I’d hope that you would be there for me, to help me and guide me and raise the best kids I can.