Around the same time, and on a totally different level, my SIL was beating herself up over the fact that her 3+ month old had a cold.  Her first one.  My poor SIL is blaming herself for something that is certainly NOT her fault, but just a part of life.

A few months ago, Courtney had an ear infection.  I took her to the doctor for something completely different to discover that my angel was in pain.  And I had no idea.  And I felt terrible.

So many moms I know blame themselves for difficulties and problems with nursing.  Contrary to what so many of us believe, nursing your baby isn’t as simple as inserting one’s boob in the babies mouth and away you go.  Nursing is hard.  There’s so much that’s just NOT intuitive.  Yet, moms blame themselves for their “failure” to get a baby to nurse.  We often perceive giving our babies formula as a sign of failure where really, getting our babies some food and nourishment is the most important thing we can do.  And that happens within the first couple of weeks, forget the next 18 years.

Being a parent is the hardest job.  So much of being a parent is going with your gut, talking to friends, doing what you think is best for your child.  There is no fine line between the right way and the wrong way in so many instances.  Parenting is never ending.  And while the nature of some things change over time, you’re constantly trying to help your kids to find their way, to make smart decisions, to do what’s best for them.  It is so hard to know if the decisions you make today, next week, next year or in the next ten years will be the best decisions for the best outcome for your child.

There are a zillion books on raising kids.  Raising them at any and all ages, raising them without screaming, raising them with religion, raising them without religion, raising kids with disabilities, raising kids to be active and on and on and on.  But how do you even know which books to read and if they have good advice or if they’re total crap.   And, my 1st kid could be 1000% different than my second and what I do for one may not work for the other.  Forget what works for me and you and you over there and you in California.

I certainly couldn’t have gotten to this point in my parenting history (all whopping 19 months of it) without the advice and help of friends and family.  I mean, I could have but I’m glad I haven’t had to do it alone.  To me, one of the nicest things about having a network of friends and family to ask advice of is that you don’t actually have to take it all.  Or you can take bits and pieces and do what works for you, your child and your family.

Being a mom is so rewarding but it’s so hard, and it’s only going to get harder.  I like to think that people go into parenting with the best of intentions, hoping to raise the best little humans we can.  And as a fellow parent, if people ask for my advice, I’m happy to give it (I’m happy to give it if you don’t ask, so watch out).  It’s not my job to judge you or criticize you.  Like you and you and you, I’m doing the best I can and I’d hope that you would be there for me, to help me and guide me and raise the best kids I can.

I was talking to a neighbor of mine the other day who’s already looking into their 3rd school option for their child.  She’s 19 months.  The mom was all, “My kid can speak 3 languages and the knows the Pythagorean theory.”  OK, not really but I was feeling like it.  Is Courtney going to start preschool at 3 or 4 or whatever and be so far behind that she’ll never get into college?  No, I know she won’t but the pressure!

Unfortunately, she has a late birthday, it’s in November, so whatever we’re looking at for the fall won’t be ideal in terms of what age she is and where a preschool would place her.  She’ll be an old 1 come September, so she’d end up in a class with a bunch of 1 year olds.  Potentially a bunch of older 1 year olds but still 1’s, I’d rather she be with young twos.  Right?  Wouldn’t you want her to have kids to learn from as opposed to kids learning from her?

And really, do I want her in something 2 days a week?  I was kind of thinking a Mom’s Morning Out would be ideal, you know 1 monrning a week.  And whatever we do with her, I’m not going to spend 30 minutes in my car in the morning just to get her there, I don’t care how good the program is.  And really, what is she learning at 21 months anyway?  I guess that’s the problem, I don’t have a clue what she should be learning at 21 months.  But, if Paul can get me knocked up (which hasn’t been going well so far) and we have 2 kids in the fall, would she be better served in a 2-day a week program?  Would I be better off with her in a 2-day a week program?  I. Don’t. Know.

AND THEN, ugh, I’m late with the whole damn thing anyway.  Registration for these places starts right. this. minute!  My friend went to one place for registration on Sunday and there were people who’d been in line since 4:30 in the morning!!  FOR REAL!!!  And let me tell you, I would have to think that based on the weekend temps, they must have frozen their asses off.  I hope they got what they wanted.

Man, all this stresses me out and makes me think that I should be having bloody mary’s for breakfast except that I gave up alcohol for New Years and I’m NOT DRINKING!!  Stupid idea.  Hm, maybe the kid would be better off in a 5 day a week program…

Growing up my mom made me go to church every week.  To Sunday school.  I can’t honestly remember much of what I was supposed to be learning.  Classes were in the basement of the church.  I was down there while mom sat upstairs, listening to the service.  Dad didn’t go to church, I’m not sure if he’s a believer or not.  I think my favorite part of going to church was the social time when it was over so I could drink tea and eat cookies (although, maybe I’m making the cookies up) before we went home.

The minute I finished 8th grade, Sunday school ended and that was the end of my church career.  We stopped going to church.  I think my mom stopped dragging my brothers too.  Totally unfair that I had to go all those years and they didn’t.

Anyway…

I don’t believe in God.  I just don’t think there’s some being out there, looking down on us all and passing judgment.  “Sally = Good.  Johnny = Bad.  You will go to Heaven and Hell, respectively.”  I just don’t think that’s happening.  I don’t think that there was an Adam and an Eve and an apple.  I don’t think that God has a hand in making people.  I don’t think some higher power created the planet, the tulips and the sunset.  I just don’t.

I do think that there is a scientific explanation for everything.  Don’t ask me how science works when creating the planet, all the atoms and molecules and great white lights or whatever.  I think that sperm and the egg meet and there are genetics and biology and scientific stuff happens and you have babies.

I just don’t get it.  I don’t believe in the Bible.  I’ll admit, I’ve never read it but I just can’t put much weight in it.  I think it’s a really old book, that’s probably evolved a great deal over time.  Have you ever played telephone?  You tell someone something and they tell someone else who tells someone else and by the time it gets back to you, it’s COMPLETELY different.  I feel like the Bible is kind of like that.

I’ve been having a really hard time lately with bad things happening to good people and then someone tells me to pray.  Pray to whom?  If there is a God, why does he give kids cancer?  Why do wonderful women with 3 children, who saw their kid through cancer, get struck down with a stroke?  Why would God do that?  Why do people do terrible things to kids?  And if I’m not a prayer normally, why would my prayers now make any difference?  I’ve read this post by Her Bad Mother multiple times and I think there’s a lot of truth in this.  If all of a sudden there’s petitionary prayer for someone, or something, why would He intervene for that one person or thing over another.  I think there are scientific reasons why kids get cancer and scientific discoveries that make kids better.  I think there’s some medical reason why Anissa had a stroke.  I think there’s some serious chemical imbalance that would lead someone to abuse a child.

I don’t denounce or commend those that believe in God or go to church or pray, I just don’t understand it.  I feel bad, like I’m missing out, but I don’t believe.  When I hear about things like Anissa, or other people that are in need of prayer, I try and think positive thoughts and send positive vibes and energy their way, but I don’t pray.  That may seem kind of hokey but it’s the best I can do.

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I’ll be writing more about this over the next month or so.  Religion isn’t something I talk about a lot.  I mean, I live in the Bible Belt, for crying out loud.  I hope I don’t offend anyone but this is me, who I am.  Take it or leave it.

Sleeping in a bed other than your own always leaves you a little tired.  You usually don’t sleep as well.  It seems that Courtney missed her bed as well.

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I keep thinking about Anissa.  Every day I wait anxiously for updates on her status, like a kid on Christmas.  There’s been some progress and some good news but she’s not fully conscious or aware.  According to her husbands update for yesterday, she’s not considered to be in a coma anymore, but she’s not awake.  I keep thinking that it’s not right that she’s not awake, that her family had to “celebrate” Thanksgiving without her.  My heart just weeps for her kids.  I don’t understand.  It makes me question some things.  Things I’m still trying to figure out how ask.