OK, that last bit is not how I feel but you get the idea.  In the past 2 weeks, I’ve worked out twice and I don’t like myself for it.  After I got married but before Courtney was born, I gained about 15 pounds.  Happy Wedding gift to you, Paul.  I stopped working out, was eating like crap, and all my skinny clothes didn’t fit.  I was all set to get serious when I found out I was pregnant with Courtney and I was stuck with that 15 pounds.

For 3 months I’ve been back on the wagon.  Or the treadmill, as the case may be.  And I’ve been eating better.  More fruits and veggies, whole grains, yada yada.  My trip to Connecticut has completely derailed me.  I’m having a hard time getting back on the treadmill.  I went and joined the Y on Tuesday when we got back.  (I couldn’t get C into swimming classes, the class was full, total crap.)  I didn’t actually work out on Tuesday while we were there due to the work people coming to the house and the need to buy food in my limited time frame.  Yesterday I was going to go in the morning but C took a nap almost immediately after waking up.  For two hours.  The problem with the Y is the day care is closed from 1:15 – 3:30 so by the time C woke up from the nap and had lunch, there wasn’t enough time to work out.  I did the whole “is she going to nap is she not going to nap” dance in the afternoon and after I decided she wasn’t going to nap, we headed back to the gym.  And wouldn’t you know that as I was making the right hand turn into the Y parking lot, C fell asleep.

Being a stay at home mom is awesome.  I love it and wouldn’t trade it for anything.  But it’s so hard to balance taking care of myself while taking care of my family.  I NEED to exercise so that not only am I healthy for me but I’m able to keep up with my little bundle of energy.  I’m also a huge fan of clothes that fit.  And the clothes that I’ve been wearing being too big.  Big fan of that.  Way back in the day, before C, I would get up and be at the gym at 6.  I’m kind of thinking I need to get back to that.  The only time I can really guarantee hours to myself is when Courtney is sleeping, during the night.  Sometime between dinner and breakfast, there are hours for myself.  I’m not a fan of less sleep.  But I need to take care of myself.

Today was going to be my first day in the gym at 6.  I failed.  I’m pretty sure it had everything to do with being up from 1-4 with a not sleeping, kind of crying, unhappy toddler.  Well, tomorrow is another day.  I hope.

All this to say, my workout routine the past couple of weeks has really suffered.  It’s hard to do plank jacks when you feel like you’re going to hurl when you bend over.  I tried to workout on Friday in Houston, I ran a couple of miles on the treadmill and it took for freakin’ ever.  I’ve really been able to ramp up my ab workout, due to all I’ve learned on the workout tapes, but again, the head thing.

I’ve been doing really well and I don’t want to lose the momentum that I’ve got going.  I’ve been working out 5-6 days a week and can see a real difference in how my clothes fit.  It takes 20 days to build a habit.  It takes one day to lose the momentum from working out, at least for me.  I managed to get a workout in this morning while Courtney napped.  She’s been a crap napper lately and that doesn’t help.  I’ve been able to get my exercise done while Courtney naps in the morning.  I think we’re losing our morning nap, although I’ve thought that for at least a month if not longer.  I keep thinking that I can get up early and do my exercises before Courtney wakes up but that requires getting up early myself and I don’t know that that’s going to happen.

It’s really important to me that I keep on this path.  It’s important to my sanity and my overall happiness.  I’m feeling better and looking better and am happier.  I can’t lose this momentum.

Have you ever watched Modern Family?  I love that show.  I think it’s HYSTERICAL.  And one of the reasons I think it’s so funny is because of how real the show is.  The characters in the show do some dumb things but they’re so realistic and not really all that far fetched.  I think a lot of the people that watch the show can relate to it, feel like they’re living a part of it.  We’re not perfect, parents.  People aren’t perfect.  We all make mistakes.  We live and we learn.

I want Courtney to always feel comfortable being the person she is in the skin in which she lives.  I don’t want her to feel that she has to make excuses for who she is.  I want her to know that it’s ok to go outside of the lines, or stay within them, whichever makes you more comfortable because of who you are.  I want her to know that this is her life and she should live it to the best of her ability.

Growing up and even into my late 20’s, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged in the world.  I think I spent a lot of time hiding my true identity in order to fit in with a group of people, people I’m not even sure I liked.  And people that liked me (or not) based on false pretenses.  I’m at a place in my life where I’m happy with who I am as a person, I like me.  I like what’s become of my life and the choices that I’m making.  I can’t please everyone, but that’s ok, I don’t have to.  I try and be a good person.  I try and be kind to others.  I try and like (or even love) people for who they are, where they’ve come from, the color of their skin, and the beliefs that hold them together. I don’t have to agree with all of the parts that make them whole, I love someone because of or differences.

In order for me to be true to Paul and Courtney, I need to be true to myself.  It’s the only way I know to live my best life.  It’s the only one I have.

I started working out.

I started the 30 Day Shred.

I started out kind of slowly but then I kicked it in to gear.  I really started going.  I’d say from December 14th – 31st, I was pretty much just trying to keep up with the sugar and the pies and the cookies and the potatoes and the cheese and doing all in my power not to gain 10 pounds for the holidays.  Merry Christmas to me, fat ass.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t gain the holiday 10, or even 5.

January 1st – It was time to get serious.  It was time to not just stave off 10 pounds but to Get In Shape.  I was good in January.  I worked out.  I ate well.  Of the 31 days in January, I think I worked out 27 days.  I took 4 days off.  I ate well.  I avoided most alcohol.  I was better.  I wasn’t great, but I was better.  Hell, we’d going out for Mexican food and I’d hold myself to TWO chips.  TWO.

I worked out with Jillian almost all of those 27 days.  There were a few days where if I saw Natalie one more time, I was going to karate kick the bitch in the teeth.  OK, not really.  But only because she could crush me with a look.  There were a few days where I did No More Trouble Zones instead of the Shred (and that skinny bitch with the fine ass in the green top, yeah, I wanted to karate chop her too).  (Should I mention that I don’t know anything about karate other than what I learned in the Karate Kid.  Wax on.  Wax off.)  There were the days I ran on the treadmill that’s been gathering dust in our house, instead of Shredding.  There were days when I did the weight loss Pilates that made me feel like I hadn’t worked out in decades.  And then there were the days when I did nothing.  Nada.  Niente.  But most of the time, I Shred.  But there were days when I was sick and worked out anyway.  There were the days when Paul was home from work when I did the Shred and then did MORE.  There were some good days there and I felt good on top of it.

If Jillian told me one more time not to phone it in, I could have thrown the damn DVD into the pool.  Even after 45 days, I still feel like with every jumping jack, my uterus is going to fall out.  Clearly I’m not doing enough any kegels. Lots of people complain about the plank jacks, those were easy for me, but the rock star jumps make me want to pull my fingernails out one at a time.  For some reason, Level 3 was kind of easy (minus the rock stars) and was the fastest 30 minutes of my life.  The days when I ran on the treadmill, I actually felt good, felt like it was easy.  Who knew?

So did I lose any weight?

Well….

Not really.  I lost 5 pounds.  All in one week, the other weeks, I lost nothing.  But…  I lost an inch from my chest, hips and thighs and two inches from my waist.  And my clothes fit better.  I feel like I’m getting into shape.  The scissor kicks are easier.  The ab work is easier.  The entire thing has been really good for me, my energy and my self-esteem.

While I didn’t get the results I had hoped for, I do feel like a habit has been formed.  I want to keep going.  I want to keep working out.  My hope is to keep it up with the Shred, No More Trouble Zones and more over the next 2 1/2 weeks.  And then I’m going to Houston.  After Houston, I’m hoping that the weather will cooperate and I can start running outside.  I’d like to do a 5K in late March/early April.  I’ve done 5K’s before, but it’s been a long time.

I want Courtney to know me as the mom who exercises.  The mom who takes care of herself, eats well, exercises and can keep up with her.  I want to be that mom to her.  I want to be that person.  So, I’m going to stick with it.  I’m going to keep up with the exercise.  I’m going to be the person I know I can be.

So, the proof is in the pudding, right?  Here are the pictures.  They aren’t very good and, clearly, I need to stand up and quit slouching.

Before and after from the front

Back view, before and after

Before and after, side view

I don’t, but you already know that.  I have huge hips (I dated a guy once who told me I had excellent child bearing hips – I don’t think that was a compliment).  And a big ass.  And large thighs.  Really, I’m just big around the middle, very “pear shaped” as they say.  And my boobs are in their own world (I went and had a professional fitting the other day, I’m an F cup – F!!!  I didn’t know there was an F.), and of course they’re only going to get worse if I have another baby and nurse for another year.  When I gain weight, I know I’ve reached the “fat” stage when I grow another chin.  I have big calves, always have.  Well, as long as I’ve been paying attention to them.

When Paul and I got married, I weighed about 12 pounds less than I do right now.  I wouldn’t have thought 12 pounds would make much difference but I was pretty happy with myself.  I’m sure there were things that I didn’t like but I liked that I was a size 6.  I liked that clothes fit me better.  I liked the fact that my boobs were smaller.  I had muscle definition in my arms.  But I worked for it.  I worked my ass off.  Literally.  I was in the best shape that I’d been in in my entire life.  I’ve never been a runner, never liked to run, but I was a great treadmill runner.  I would get on that treadmill and run and run and run and I felt so good when I was done.  I totally got the runners high.  I loved it.  I ate really well too.  I was doing the Weight Watchers Core diet which meant I didn’t have to count points but I ate lots of fruits and veggies and whole grains.  I was cooking a lot and eating at home and I brought my breakfast and lunch to work with me every day (my lunch box was more like a suitcase).  It was a lot of work but the rewards were so worth it.

There’s a saying: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  I need to remember that, it’s so true.

I think I’ve been doing better with the eating.  I’ve been cooking more and eating more fruits and veggies.  I’ve been trying some different foods and am hoping to get us set up with a CSA in the spring (our local CSA is full for the winter).  I’m looking forward to getting some mystery fruits and veggies that I get to try out.  I can do better though.  I’ve been using some butter and sugar in my cooking, I need to cut that out. I’ve been eating way less cheese because that’s a problem area for me.

I’m 37 years old and having all kinds of issues with my body, still.  I don’t want to pass this on to Courtney.  As a society we spend gazillions of dollars on weight loss and diet plans.  I want  her to grow up in a healthy household where fruits and vegetables and quinoa and brown rice are the norm and not the exception.  I don’t want her foods to be coming from a box or a can.  High fructose corn syrup is not going to be a staple in her diet.  I can’t keep Courtney in a bubble, I know there are outside influences and there will be pressures from class mates, but I want to instill in her that she should love the skin she’s in because she’s healthy and strong and active.  I don’t want her living her entire life concerned about her fat hips or wiggly thighs.  I guess I don’t want her to be like me.