Other than my girl being adult enough that she’s practically going to college soon, we had a good week.  We went to the pediatrician today to get her reweighed after her unimpressive weigh in at the 9 month appointment.  She’s up a whopping 11 oz in the past 30 days!  The pediatrician thought that was good stuff and sent us on our way.  On a negative note, half the reason we went in today was for the other 1/2 of her flu shot.  But no, she couldn’t get it today but can get it tomorrow.  Helpful.  I guess when they say you have to wait 30 days, they really mean 30.  Not 29 1/2.  Ir.I.tating. Courtney clearly remembered her last visit to the doctor because the minute I sat her on the table, she started to cry.  And not some little whimper, she was screaming.  Then, the doctor came in and all hell broke loose.

I’m not sure if it’s a rain thing or a dog thing or, a, um, rat thing but we have fleas in our house.  FLEAS.  Jumping, biting, irritating fleas.  And of course, if the house has fleas, so does the dog.  (So not only does his stomach sound like it’s going to explode at any moment, he’s ripping patches of hair from his crotch.)  I’ve now washed everything, twice, and bathed the dog in a wonderfully, medical scented tub.  My good friend Clifford, who comes every 90 days to spray for bugs, came out today and dumped buckets of poison in the basement.  The downside of these killer chemicals, other than poisoning us all on some lever?   I have to vacuum every day for two weeks!!  If that sounds like no big deal to you, it’s because you don’t know me.  At all.  I don’t clean.  I don’t dust.  I do laundry but only when I have worn all my underwear outside in and inside out run out of things to wear.  I don’t clean.  It’s in my genes.  I fully expect that Courtney won’t clean either.  Now I have to vacuum EVERY DAY.  And, I have to throw out the bag every time I vacuum.  Awesome.  Oh, and don’t leave the bag in the garage, leave it outside.  It would probably be easier to move.

I’m just not ready.

But I need to be ready.

I need to wean her.

My trip is in 15 days.  She will wake up on that Saturday morning and I won’t be here.  I won’t be here for her.  She’s going to need to be ready to take her milk from the cup.  From her dad.  And I need to not lug my pump to Vegas.

Our morning nursing is so easy.  I bring Courtney into bed with me and just lie there.  Months ago she’d just lay there and eat.  She went from being a little lump to  a little person.  She’d look into my eyes while she ate.  Those beautiful, innocent, color changing, baby girl eyes.  Fast forward a month or so and she started reaching up to touch my face.  Her small, soft, delicate little fingers would caress my chin, my cheek, my nose.  Once Courtney started to roll and sit up on her own, our nursing took on a whole new challenge.  Courtney would nurse for a few minutes and then roll over and cry. I’d reposition her so she could nurse some more and then she’d roll over and we’d repeat the process.  Now our time together is equally as special if not a little more interesting.  She doesn’t roll around as much but she’s insistent on sticking her fingers in my mouth or in my nose.  While that is not quite as special, it is still our special time together.  It’s as though it’s just the two of us in this world and there’s no one else there to distract from that.  Unless her dad is in the bed, but usually he’s not.  The milk that I give her is the one thing that only I can provide for her.  She can’t get that from anyone else.  There isn’t going to be much in her life that can only come from me.  Just me.  And it’s almost over.

Maybe tomorrow.

Or Saturday.

Maybe.

I’m going to have to do this.  Soon.

• I’ve lost hair.  And now the hair is growing back and it looks like someone chopped my “bangs” with a machete.
• My boobs are hanging to my knees.  Well, one hangs to my knee, the other hangs to my waist.
• I now have to shave my legs more than once a month.  What is with this body hair?
• And then there are the ‘roids.  We won’t talk about that though.  It makes me cry.  Literally.

And now, with the weaning….

• I can’t stop crying.
• I’m exhausted.
• I’m still losing my hair.
• And my cycle has returned with a vengeance.  Shoot me now.

And I’m not even done weaning.  I still have one feeding to go.  Another 7-10 days before I’m “done.”  And then what’s my body going to do?  What are my emotions going to do?

I feel really bad for Paul.  I’m pretty sure I’m not a joy to live with.  But I can’t warn him.  I can’t tell him what’s going to happen next.  I don’t know what’s going to happen next.  I don’t know how long my head is going to hurt.  I don’t know how long I’m going to cry at everything I see on TV.  Or in the real world.  Or even in my own living room.  I don’t know how long I’m going to be moody and unpredictable.  A few weeks?  A month?  Maybe the worst is behind me?  I wish there were some hard and fast rules on what to expect.  Maybe I should write a book: What to Expect When You’re Weaning.  The cover would have some mom with her hair all over the place, wearing sweats, her boobs hanging low (wobbling to and fro), and a baby hanging off her hip.  Not that I can relate.

Only a couple more days to go and we’re going to start cutting the morning feeding.  The thought makes me cry.  The good news is, the weaning is going really well.  Courtney is drinking from the sippy cup like a champ!  My little girl is growing up.  Boo hoo!

Here’s the scoop: The federal government has decided that breastfeeding is the best possible thing a new mom can do for her baby.  Yup, I agree.  As well as pediatricians all over the world.  As a matter of fact, it’s so good, they will stop paying for moms to buy formula with their WIC (Women, Infants and Children) cards and have changed formula to a rebate only system.

What is WIC?  Well, glad you asked.  It is a federally funded program that helps women buy certain foods for themselves and their kids.  Items like bread, milk, eggs, cheese and a few other things.  Women who qualify for WIC already get some other form of federal aid.  These women are very low income.

Now, I’m all for breastfeeding.  I think that not only does it create a special bond between mom and baby, it’s the single best thing I can do for my child when she’s an infant (other than change those stanky diapers).  However, I also happen to know that I’m VERY fortunate to have spent this time at home with Courtney.  I’m VERY fortunate to have an ample milk supply.  I’m VERY fortunate that I was able to master the latch and make it all work.  I’m VERY fortunate that my husband supports this effort.  I don’t know that I’m in the minority in all this but this isn’t the case for many women.

I find this new “rule” outrageous for many reasons.  First off, I can’t imagine why the government would change this.  I just picture a bunch of 60ish men, sitting around some dark conference room, trying to figure out how to save the government money and they’re all, “Let’s NOT feed babies formula!  All those moms have boobs!!  They make food!  They don’t need no stinkin’ formula!”

Second, as I posted about a few weeks ago, not all women work in an environment where they CAN pump every 3 hours to maintain that milk supply.  While WIC will help pay for pumping supplies and shields and other tools necessary to pump, it’s just not all that realistic.  The woman that was a temp at Isotoner got CANNED because she was pumping.  She wanted to nurse her baby, she needed to maintain that milk supply, her employer FIRED her for that.  And what about women that work in environments where there is no private place to pump?  Are they supposed to strap on the pump in the break room?  Clearly these men don’t know anything about breast pumps and what they entail.

Thirdly, not all women CAN nurse.  Some women have no milk at all.  No matter how hard they try, nothing.  And what if some woman has had a lump removed or some type of cancer and it’s screwed up the plumbing in there and nothing comes out?  Like that’s her fault?  “Sorry your boobs are dry lady.  No federal assistance for you.”

Also, have you bought formula lately??  This junk is EXPENSIVE . If I make 185% below the poverty level and qualify for WIC, I can’t pay for formula outright.  Um, hello?  If I can’t nurse and I’m feeding my baby 5 times a day from a bottle, I’m going to go through a can of formula in a week.  And I need to apply for some rebate from the government to get my money back?  Seriously?  How long does it take to turn around a government check?  Four weeks?  Six weeks?  And I have to buy formula EVERY WEEK?  What the hell is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???

OK, I’m done but man am I pissed.  Yes, encourage women to nurse.  Encourage them to make those babies healthy and strong.  But DO NOT punish women when it doesn’t work and please, do NOT punish the babies.

I’m so fired up about this, I think I may have to write a letter to my congressMAN.