**WARNING WARNING: IF YOU’RE RELATED TO PAUL OR I, DON’T READ THIS!! WARNING WARNING!!!**
Way back in January, I hemmed and hawed about what I was going to do to prevent any other small bambinos from crossing our threshold. Don’t get me wrong, kids can come to visit but I’d prefer that they not come and live here. My girl bits are done in the baby-making department, no more kids, thanks for playing. So after much deliberation, I went ahead and pulled the $750 trigger on a Mirena. I didn’t come by the decision lightly. I wasn’t really sure what the best option was but I was happy with the “have no periods” and the “you won’t have babies” benefits of the thing. I’d heard about the loss of hair and the potential weight gain and the potential of decreased libido but I was willing to take my chances and see how it went.
And it went. Now I get how it works. You insert the $750 piece of plastic, you spot for a short while and WHAM! No babies. And no sex. Ever again. Because it doesn’t just “diminish” ones libido, it KILLS it DEAD. BOOM! Don’t touch me. Don’t come near me. Don’t hold my hand. BAM! No babies. It’s not science, it’s a marriage killer.
After 9 months, the POS has to come out. Not only do I have NO libido, I have pain. Intense pain. Not all the time, just when it matters. You know, when I actually THINK that MAYBE if I have sex, I’ll be something like a woman. But there’s no way. Not only do I not want to have sex 99% of the time, but the 1% of the time I do, I physically can’t because it’s going to hurt too much. So yeah, NO babies.
So I went back to the doctor to get it removed and discuss my “options”, which are all pretty crappy. After some rooting and searching, getting “the hook” and laying on the doctors table and crying (with my kids in the room, but that’s for another day), they couldn’t get the damn thing out. I mean, the doctor literally asked for “the hook” and RUMMAGED IN MY CERVIX for a string. What an awesome visit that was. Because that wasn’t enough, I will now have to go back to the doctor for an ultrasound and to see if they can FIND the string and then they will remove it. I hope. Of course, I don’t know what will happen next. What my birth control options are going to be and then what I’m going to do with my damn cycle but I know one thing, I will NOT be having any babies but that’s basically because I’m NOT having ANY sex. Still, because the damn thing is stil in there AND IT’S NOT COMING OUT!