The sounds of silence

As I sit and write this, Courtney is in her room screaming, not sleeping, and Patrick is going down to bed. It’s that time of day where you sink into the couch, happy to have survived the day and having had no one die on your watch. You sit and think, I’m done. I can’t do this for another minute. When do these kids go to college?

All day, every day, we parent our kids and nurture their souls. We play with them. We feed them. We clothe them. We bathe them. We tickle them. We clean their wounds and put bandaids on them. We clean goldfish out from under the couch and smoothie out of the nostrils of their noses. We clean the kitchen and fold the laundry. We vacuum the dog hair and maybe make some doctors appointments. We go to the grocery store, drive the carpool and shuttle kids to gymnastics or ballet or soccer practice. The day is a cacophony of small voices that make loud noises. “Mommy mommy mommy” and “I want my daddy” all day long. Cries and tears and skinned knees and bumped heads. The never ending words from Jingle Bells and Old McDonald, all rolled into one.

These are the noises that make up my life. They go on and on and on. Some days they seem to never stop. And you long for that moment of silence. When the kids are sleeping and you can sit and catch your breath and maybe have a thought of your own about something other than, ‘did he eat that rock?’ Or maybe, you can be totally crazy and have a conversation with your spouse. Uninterrupted.

Sure, these days are short. The kids will get older, there will be less hanging on to my leg. Or my every word. The desire to sit in my lap or to hold my hand or to tell me they love me will become the days that I long for. The need for me will become less as their need for independence will grow. I get all that and I don’t look forward to it. But then I do.

The sounds of silence are rare. They’re desired and sometimes longed for. Needed, even. But rare. Some day I will long for the singing and the dancing and the running and the crashing and the never ending chorus of ‘mommy mommy mommy’s’. But today. Today. I’d just like some quiet.