My Christmas Wish

I wrote last week about how I was so tired and lazy and such a fat ass and blah.  And blah.  I just feel gross.  GROSS.  We got dressed to go out to dinner Saturday night and two pairs of pants that fit a week ago, didn’t fit.  And then yesterday, to make things better, I went to a holiday party and ate a dozen cookies and then had Chinese food for dinner.  For dinner I ate my weight in MSG and white rice. It’s a good thing I’m wearing these Gap pants that actually have an adjustable waist that grows with you.  Because really, I’m HUGE.

Paul says I’m not huge but I’m feeling quite huge.

Now, after my post last week, I have managed to get in 4 workouts.  I did the Jillian Michael’s Shred, level 1, twice.  And I did this weight loss pilates workout, that actually made me sweat and was really hard.  But that clearly doesn’t matter because all of a sudden I’m LARGE.  I could say that I don’t know what happened but I do.  I can come up with excuses and reasons on why I’ve gotten so fat but that doesn’t really matter now.  It’s time to make some changes.

I’ve been emailing with Natalie about doing the Shred video and she’s committed enough that she’s going to post some pictures.  I’m not sure I’m willing to do that.  But maybe I should.  I don’t know.

I just feel like it’s so ridiculous that I’m 37 and still having such issues with my body.  Why?  And when do I get over it?  I mean, this is the body I was given and I’ve never been skinny and I’ve never been in crazy great shape, for any length of time.  When Paul and I got married, I was at the lowest weight I’d been at since I was probably in high school.  And I was in GREAT shape.  I worked out all the time, I ran (and I’d always hated running) all the time, I was meeting a trainer 2-3x a week.  I was in GREAT shape.  And I was so happy in my skin.  I would kill to get that back.  But I need to really want it.  I need to be really committed to working out and eating well.

So my wish for myself is to take the time to take care of myself.  I’m not going to go on about how I’m going to lose 15 pounds and workout 5 times a week or whatever.  I feel like doing that is setting myself up for failure.  I just need to make sure that while I’m taking care of Courtney and Paul and Hunter (the poor dog) and getting through the holidays and keeping my house from falling into a pit of despair, I’m taking the time to take care of myself.  I’d like to work out more, eat better, drink more water and spend just a little more time focusing on me.  And I need to figure out why I’m not comfortable in my skin.  I don’t want to wake up some day, be 70 years old and look back and wonder why I’ve spent the past 70 years feeling fat and unhappy.

My wish is about me.