It seems like only yesterday

It seems like only yesterday that I went to the midwife for my 40 week appointment.

It seems like only yesterday that the midwife told me to go to the hospital, it was time.

It seems like only yesterday that I ended up on the operating table.

It seems like only yesterday that they cut me open like a feather pillow.

It seems like only yesterday that the moron of an anesthesiologist told Paul to get the camera ready.

It seems like only yesterday that Courtney was born.  Pulled from my stomach, letting out her first little cry.

It seems like only yesterday that I was lying on the table, in that sterile white room, looking over my left shoulder, desperately trying to see my baby girl being cleaned and weighed and swaddled.

It seems like only yesterday that she was crying and screaming and announcing her arrival to the world.

It seems like only yesterday that I was lying there on the table, as the doctor was tugging and pulling on my stomach, trying to put me back together again.

It seems like only yesterday that I was wheeled to recovery, to be formally introduced to my beautiful baby girl.

It seems like only yesterday that I held her for the first time.

It seems like only yesterday that my heart melted like a wax candle only to rebuild itself over and over and over.

It seems like only yesterday.  But it wasn’t yesterday.  It was 364 yesterday’s.  It is her entire life of yesterdays.

**

I’m feeling overly emotional this week.  It could be the lack of sleep I’ve had the past few nights (damn teeth).  It could be the hormones that continue to pulse through my body.  Courtney and I went to music class on Monday.  We sang “You Are My Sunshine” and it was all I could do not to cry.  I’ve spent more time preparing the menu for her birthday dinner, one that she won’t even eat, or be at, than I have for any other meal I think I’ve ever made.

I’m not ready.  I’m not ready for this to be the culmination of the fastest year of my life.  I’m not ready for my girl to be one.  Tomorrow.  Tomorrow she’ll be one.  She’s becoming this little person.  A little girl.  She’s doing things with a purpose.  You can see the wheels turning, things clicking into place.  She’s deliberate.  She’s thinking.

Tuesday night Paul and I were sitting on the couch, as close as we could be, and Courtney was in Paul’s lap.  All of a sudden she started to give us kisses.  She’d kiss Paul and then kiss me.  THEN, she’d put her hands up to her mouth and tilt her head, as though she was all of a sudden shy and bashful about her kisses.  We practically died.  It was not only adorable but so funny.  Where did she learn that?

**

It seems like only yesterday.